Published on April 9th, 2017 | by Boris
“… Thank you for your letter and the very nice spear …”
Dear Senor George,
Firstly, let me welcome you to our beautiful country, even though it is currently on strike and nothing is open or working.
Secondly, thank you for your letter and the very nice spear you have sent me. This is a picture of me holding it. I have taken the pointy piece off the end because you had written Spanish swear words on it, and I am a family man and a churchgoer.
I wish to point out that I cannot “stab the French Ambassador puta in his cowardly French belly because the stupid Michelin putas are too busy eating cheese to make you proper tyres”.
And declaring war on the French is not currently an option, Senor George, but thank you for telling us you will be happy to pay for it with all that German money you have.
Yes, we know the Germans would be happy to fund a war against the French. We have been looking after some of their much sought-after citizens since WWII.
I also want you to understand I have no control over the weather, and it is just not practical to, as you say: “Make a big umbrella over the entire country, or just the garbage racetrack at Rio Hondo if the umbrella thing is just too fucking hard”.
Certainly, it would probably be cheaper for the nation to install “underground super laser-beam heaters” under the track surface to “instantly vapourise the rain” as it lands, but we would struggle to have that done in time for the race on Sunday.
Lastly, I do very much understand your disappointment at having to start towards the back of the grid, but I can assure you it is not because my “country is a pile of stinking merda full of stupid putas”.
My advisors tell me there are other reasons for where you are on the grid. But they are laughing so much it’s hard to make sense of those reasons.
I wish you every success,
El Presidente de Argentina