Articles

Published on October 16th, 2013 | by Guest Writer

SPECULATIONS UPON THE ORIGINS OF THE SPECIES

By Baron

The origin of the motorcycle is shrouded in mystery. The earliest known specimen of the motorcycle first appears in the fossil record during the Mesozoic era, and, due to it’s proximity to massive deposits of waxed cotton and scat-porn, is believed to be a BMW.

Populations of motorcycles remained incredibly low – almost to the point of extinction – until the demise of the dinosaurs and fortuitous geological conditions conspired to create a perfect environment for an explosion in numbers.

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Little else is known other than the fact that motorcycles and lemurs share a common ancestor

First domesticated by the Mongol, the motorcycle was spread via conquest throughout the Eurasian continent – and from there, across the world. It is wondrous to consider that all motorcycles – from the tundra-dwelling GS to the Virago hermaphrobike – owe their existence to man’s disdain of horses.

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Although a recent change in diet to include lycra has seen an increase in horse popularity

Equine loathing on it’s own does not explain the rich diversity of motorcycle evident today. Various engine configurations evolved, some as a result of natural selection, others as a direct result of interference at the hands of man. The inline-four, for example, was the obvious result of partially irradiating an Asian population already predisposed to perversion.

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Tentacle not shown in this image. But it is there

Contrary to popular belief, shaft-drives are a natural mutation. Prior to their discovery on the Galapogos, the only recorded sightings were dismissed as pure invention by drunken sailors. Darwin’s diary entry, written aboard The Beagle as it swayed in the heaving waters off the Archipiélago de Colón, reads:

“Fuck! They’re real! Contact German Embassy on return”

Desmodromic valves, on the contrary, are not a product of nature at all. Long credited as the inventor of desmodromic actuation, Archimedes oft wrote of the frustration he felt attempting to realise a vision seen under the influence of ergot poisoning and wine. Sadly, he was killed before having the opportunity to build a prototype. His death, reportedly at the hands of a Roman from Bologna, has led to a series of extraordinary and protracted legal battles in two countries for over three centuries

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And who doesn’t enjoy protracted legal arguments? Communists, that’s who!

Suspension, too, was born of necessity and not the flesh. The Mongol used various means to dampen the jarring vibration of locomotion – usually whatever was at hand. Sheep were popular with the womenfolk and the elderly – a tradition that lives on today. Amongst the men, severed heads were briefly popular until it was found that a fresh torso offered a smoother ride in battle.

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Conspicuously brave battle-sheep were granted full citizenry and a small tract of arable land

Easily the most recognisable of motorcycles is the Harley-Davidson. Its’ roar was first heard on the North American continent – a roar that would eventually sound around the world.

The survival of the breed was far from assured until well after the end of World War II. Initially embraced by men accustomed to glory and horror (which the pre-Evolution engine epitomised), and subsequently adopted by disaffected and smelly youth, numbers rose slowly but surely.

Just as it seemed that the uncertainty of the past could, at last, be forgotten, demand stagnated. Several studies have been conducted searching for a definitive reason. Some lay the blame squarely at the feet of the Nixon administration, others see disturbing correlations between the fall in popularity and the rise of Disco.

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Oh man, you blame EVERYTHING on the Boogie…

The Great Accountant Revival of the Nineties, and the sudden onset of HBO saw an end to any concerns for the future. Indeed, demand has grown so high that it has led to inbreeding. This, in turn, has led to atavism.

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The reappearance of springer front ends (themselves a result of science gone mad) is but one example

Today, there is little doubt that motorcycles will continue to exist alongside humans for as long as we deem them worthy.

Or for as long as the humans who love them are deemed worthy.

Until that day, keep it sheep-side up.

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