Published on December 4th, 2018 | by Boris0
F**K MARQUEZ, AND THE IMPORTANCE OF A COMMA
Fuck Mark Marquez. Seriously. Fuck all 59kg of him and fuck all his tombstone-sized teeth while you’re there.
He’s been in MotoGP what? Ten Minutes? And he’s already amassed five titles (seven, if you’re counting the smaller classes).
I have listed a bunch of his records at the end of this piece so you can read them while you’re having a post-coital cigarette.
As a Rossi fan, I despise him. But I am in awe of him.
How can anyone not be in awe of him?
It is too early to tell if he will be the GOAT, or the Greatest Of All Time – which is an interesting expression when you think about it. It literally means the greatest rider who ever existed or will ever exist. So it’s a bit of a logic fail, since Time has not reached its end yet. It’s probably more correct to state he is the GRUUN, or Greatest Rider Up Until Now.
But that’s not correct either, since Rossi still occupies that position, and will until Marquez secures a tenth world title…or if Marquez secures a tenth world title.
Yes, I know Giacomo Agostini is still the Godfather. But that was a different time. And while it’s not possible to compare Ago and his amazing achievements with any modern-day rider, it is possible to compare Rossi with Marquez. And people do, and blood is often spilled. And rightly so. This is MotoGP, Goddamnit! It’s fucken serious!
Well, if it wasn’t for fucking Marquez, Rossi would have his tenth world title by now, and would have retired gracefully, wreathed in glory and awaiting beatification by the Vatican, whereupon he would ascend to Heaven at a time of His choosing to displace Jesus and sit upon the right-hand of God.
Instead, the poor old bastard is out there, slogging it out every Sunday of the season with brats half his age. He still feels he is competitive, and he is.
Just not with Marquez.
Sure, Marquez has been beaten in head-to-head duels. Rossi has beaten him. Lorenzo has beaten him. Dovizioso has beaten him. Phillip Island keeps beating him and if anyone else is to have a chance then Dorna has to hold all the rounds at Phillip Island.
As Marquez matures as a rider, his goal of getting a championship over-rides his very real desire to pass the rider in front no matter what happens. He is chasing championships now.
It’s not the bike he’s riding either. The factory Honda is kinda shit. By all accounts, a most unpleasant and vicious bike to ride.
Marquez could give a shit. I’m sure the prick would win on a Harley.
Consider where Honda would be without him.
Marquez won the 2018 season, while his team-mate, Dani Pedrosa finished 11th on the other factory bike. Crutchlow, always a contender in his own head, managed to bring his satellite Honda home in seventh.
In 2017, Pedrosa did better with his factory Honda and came in fourth. Crutchlow was in ninth.
In 2016 Pedrosa was in sixth and Crutchlow in seventh by the end of the season.
So it’s not the Honda.
It’s fucking Marquez.
I have seen him perform things on a motorcycle I have always imagined to be impossible. The laws of physics back me up on this. The laws of God Almighty Himself do not permit him to do what he does.
But he does it.
He loses the front-end, then picks it up and rides on. And he does this week in and week out. It’s no fluke. He apparently taught himself to do this by renting out a big warehouse with a smooth concrete floor, bunged a few shitty tyres on a little 250 and raced around some traffic cones losing the front-end over and over…until losing the front-end no longer short-circuited his brain and allowed him to work on recovering the slide.
He dislocates his shoulder, pops it back in, then bangs himself onto the front-row during Qualifying. I saw him hit a fucken wall at three billion kilometres-an-hour – still the fastest-recorded motorsport accident in history – put a band-aid on his chin, then go out the next day and come fifth because presumably, he was a little bit shaken up.
You’re all watching the same telecasts I am. We yell about them on social media, in pubs, and on the sides of roads. The conversations invariably begin “Fuck, Marquez! Did you see that last race?”
And this is where the all important comma comes in.
We all have our favourite racers. Or in my case, racer. I bleed yellow. I am a Rossi fan come what may, right or wrong, win or lose. That’s the way it works when you support a team or a racer. I did not come to my fandom recently. I have cheered on The Doctor since his first win in the 125cc class. I have not wavered in my support and come what may, I will always hold he is the Greatest Motorcycle Racer I have even beheld for all sorts of reasons.
But Marquez…fuck…he is some next-level shit, isn’t he?
I’m not a fan. And I never will be. His old man is too creepy, the grinning fuck has too many teeth and too much self-confidence, and I don’t like the way he has this sour resting bitch-face, or the way he sucks the water out of his water-bottle, the sunnies he wears, or the way he celebrates his wins.
I will always and forever state: “Fuck Marquez” and mean it.
But I will also always state: “Fuck, Marquez” and mean that just as much.
That comma is important.
Youngest rider to win the title in the Premier Class (20 years, 266 days)
Youngest rider to win 5 World Championship Titles in the Premier Class (25 years, 246 days)
Youngest race winner in the Premier Class (20 years, 63 days)
Youngest rider to claim a pole position in the Premier Class (20 years, 62 days)
Youngest rider to take successive podium positions in the Premier Class (20 years, 63 days)
Youngest rider to record a fastest lap in the Premier Class (20 years, 49 days)
Most Races won in a single season in the Premier Class: 13
Youngest rider to take 12 Pole positions in a single season in Premier Class: 21 years, 243 days
Only rider to claim 13 Pole positions in a single season in the Premier Class
4 successive podium positions in first 4 Premier Class Grand Prix starts (shared with Max Biaggi)
Most podium finishes in a single season in the Premier Class: 16 (Shared with Valentino Rossi, Casey Stoner & Jorge Lorenzo)
First rider to win Intermediate Class and Premier Class titles back to back
Most Fastest laps in a MotoGP season: 12 (shared with Valentino Rossi)
Youngest rider to win 12 races in a single season: 21 years, 251 days
Youngest rider to take four pole positions in a row in the Premier Class (Silverstone-Misano-Aragon-Malaysia 2013)
Youngest rider to lead the Premier Class championship (20 years, 63 days)
Youngest rider to win 4 races back to back in Premier Class (20 years, 189 days)
Youngest Rider to win 5 races in a row in the Premier Class (21 years, 90 days)
Youngest Rider to win 6 races in a row in the Premier Class (21 years, 104 days)
Youngest Rider to win 7 races in a row in the Premier Class (21 years, 118 days)
Youngest Rider to win 8 races in a row in the Premier Class (21 years, 131 days)
Youngest Rider to win 9 races in a row in the Premier Class (21 years, 146 days)
Youngest Rider to win 10 races in a row in the Premier Class (21 years, 174 days)
Youngest Rider to win 11 races in a single season in the Premier Class (21 years, 205 days)
Most Consecutive race wins in the Premier Class in 4 Stroke MotoGP (2002–) era: 10
Most Consecutive race wins in a single Premier Class season (1949–) era: 10 (Shared with Mick Doohan and Giacomo Agostini)
Youngest rider to win back to back championships in the Premier Class (21 years, 237 days)
Most Pole Positions from Start Of Season in 4 Stroke MotoGP (2002–) era: 6
First rookie to win 4 races back to back in the Premier Class: (Germany-USA-Indianapolis-Czech Republic 2013)
Most wins as a rookie in the Premier Class: 6
Most pole positions as a rookie in the Premier Class: 9
Most podium finishes as a rookie in the Premier Class: 16
Most points scored as a rookie in Premier Class: 334
Youngest rider to take back to back pole positions in the Premier Class (Silverstone-Misano 2013)
First rookie to claim 4 consecutive pole positions in the Premier Class
Only Spanish rider to win 2 titles back to back in the Premier Class
Most wins in the Moto2 Class: 16
Most podium finishes in a single season in the Moto2 Class: 14
Most wins in a single season in the Moto2 Class: 9
Most pole positions in a season of 125cc World Championship: 12
Youngest rider to win 3 World Championship Titles in the Premier Class (23 years and 242 days)
Youngest rider to win 4 World Championship Titles in the Premier Class (24 years, 268 days)
Youngest rider to win 5 World Championship Titles (23 years and 242 days)
Youngest rider to win 6 World Championship Titles (24 years, 268 days)
Youngest rider to win 7 World Championship Titles (25 years, 246 days)
Youngest rider in the history of world motorcycling to achieve 50 wins (22 years, 243 days)
Youngest rider in the history of world motorcycling to achieve 60 wins (24 years, 219 days)
Youngest rider in the history of world motorcycling to achieve 70 wins (25 years, 260 days)
Most Pole Positions in history of world motorcycling ever: 80
Youngest rider to win 5 successive Grands Prix (Mugello, Silverstone, Assen, Barcelona, Sachsenring 2010)
Most wins as a teenager in all classes: 26
Youngest rider to win at least 1 race in 3 classes of GP Racing
Youngest Spanish rider to take a pole position (16 years, 88 days)
First rider to claim pole position having taken part in Qualifying 1 (Thailand 2018)
One of only pair of brothers to win Grand Prix motorcycle racing world championships, with Álex Márquez
All-time wins leader (consecutive from 2013 to 2018 ) at the Circuit of the Americas: 6
Most consecutive pole positions at the Circuit of the Americas : 6
First/Only Rider in history to win 8 times consecutively at the same circuit: Sachsenring
Most consecutive wins at Sachsenring Circuit: 9
Most consecutive pole positions at Sachsenring Circuit: 9
First/Only rider in history to win 9 times consecutively at the same circuit: Sachsenring
Most consecutive wins at Indianapolis Motor Speedway: 5
First/Only rider in history to win 5 times at the Misano Circuit