THE WET TWO-HOUR

by Tod H

Anyone who knows or knew Oran Park back in the mid 80's, would also recall the basic moto-cross track and most importantly for THIS story, the 4WD test track down the back of the old pit area.

Now here we are in the early afternoon lunch break. Most of the A graders had sat out the sprint races, their bikes fully prepared and not wanting to get any damage in the short, flat out races before the REAL race began - the BIG Two Hour event. If there's something anyone from those days knows, it would be NOT to leave the top Aussie racers alone with time on their hands and a build-up of frustration prior to an important race, such as endurance races were back then.

Mal Campbell didn't mind a bit of water. Here behind Wayne Gardner for a while.

...and Robbie Phyllis still races post-classic: here at Eastern Creek in '09

It started with Will Hagon, the master commentator of the day, who also wrote a column for some car magazine, showing to all and sundry his FREE ride which he'd had for a while to evaluate it and write an article on it. His first mistake was to take a couple of those frustrated A grade riders out for a spin around the dirt bits of Oran Park. Maybe he was hoping for potential buyers (the top racers) of the NEW top of the line Holden 4WD.

Soon it was time for a real test, with Robbie Phillis and Kevin Magee along for the ride and none other than the loud mouthed Wally Campbell shouting instructions and directions around the short, but intense 4WD test track behind the pits.

With those three comedians egging Will Hagon on, who wanted to show off his driving skills, soon they were heading up the very steep hill (gradient testing), which had a treacherous downhill descent followed by a small water feature on the other side.

The up went well, but at the top, Will thought harder about the wet and slippery descent. However, by now there were dozens and dozens of us (not I of course) egging him on. After all, it couldn't be THAT hard, as he'd driven there before; and so into extra low it went - and went - and went, skidding down the clay slope until the water was covering the bonnet and rushing inside the car. Of course, without the aftermarket air intake snorkel, the engine took in a good gulp of water, rendering it motionless.

From within the vehicle, a red glow began to appear. It became more and more woeful looking, as if it were a fire! Until we realized that it was just the embarrassment on Mr Hagon's dial. Who by now was receiving thunderous applause from those gathered, which of course meant dozens and dozens more racers, their girlfriends and their pit crews came running to see what all the fuss was about.

By the time gravity had stopped the vehicle, the waterline was about four inches up the front windscreen. Inside and out.

Out of the three in the vehicle, the two most agile were Magoo and Phillis, who were soon atop the roof of the vehicle, sitting there shivering in their wet jeans. One Will Hagon was still attempting a contortionist's act to escape the water inside and get his oversized frame out and atop the vehicle too.

With all this going on, the race stewards were 400 metres away and totally unawares as they were getting things ready for the start of the Two Hour endurance race. Which of course by now had two of its participants sitting drenched atop a drowned 4WD, with another - the Instigator, one Malcolm "Wally" Campbell standing near the water's edge laughing his arse off like the rest of us.

Surely something had to be done. And then someone had a bright idea: steal the Oran Park tractor, then tow the drowned vehicle, which was due back at Holden the next day in about the same condition as when it was loaned out. Not long after, a full evaluation story was due in a national magazine by the guy by who was now sitting atop it submerged to the chest..

Back to the tractor. Once stolen it headed to the dam at a top speed of about 3.2 mph. Time was running out, and soon the teams found out about what was going on and why half their top racers and mechanics were nowhere to be found.

The tractor finally chugged up to the scene and positioned itself, and Magee, being the lankiest of them, was volunteered to be the one to crawl down the bonnet, along with one Robbie Phillis, who would grasp the bonnet with one hand, the other holding Magee so he wouldn't fall into the murky, muddy water.

With Phillis having promised to hold Magee's hand as Magee would affix the tow rope to the front of the Holden 4WD, things got underway. This wouldn't be easy, as our commentator buddy Will Hagon, now even brighter red, didn't test the Holden WITH a bull / roo bar. He got the "family oriented" version without this added extra.

Fast forward a couple of minutes and now, both Phillis and Magee are in their jocks, not wanting to wreck their good jeans. But the fun had far to go - as was the case whenever Phillis was about.

Picture if you can - Magee, with Phillis holding onto the lip of the bonnet with one hand, the other holding of Magee's arms, Magee trying to tie the rope to somewhere on the front of a 4WD with no bull bar and time until the race quickly running out. It was obvious to Robbie Phillis that something more drastic was required. So he let go of Magee's hand and with his foot, knocked Magee into the muddy water.

The now sixty or so strong crowd's reaction to this was a rolling thunderous laughter and applause. Magee began to walk from the water, but obviously, caring SO much about his fellow competitor and Will Hagon, the race commentator (for it was to be a live race call from the commentary box which would later go to air with the the TV coverage), he turned back to do the right thing and attach the tow rope to the underside of the 4WD, even in the muddy waters. After a couple of tries totally under the murky water, Magee, feigning a genuine need, asked for Robbie Phillis to reach out and grab his hand as he just needed a little stability..

No sooner than their hands had intertwined than Magee pulled furiously, flinging Phillis into the muddy waterhole to join him there, thus returning the earlier favour. The laughter and applause began again.

Words were exchanged. Many were harsh. Then reality struck home: a nationally televised race was soon to begin and most of the players were 350 metres from their pits and either soaking wet and muddy, or just in need of a cleanup before any said racing could begin.

So together they got the rope affixed and Wally, laughing like a hyena drove the tractor to tow the vehicle out of the murky, muddy waterhole, with the Official Road Tester of the drowned Holden sitting semi-naked atop the roof of the said vehicle.

Once cleared from the mudhole, the vehicle was towed back to near the pits, but there was no way that it would start.

Feeling desperately sorry for Will Hagon, some of the mechanical guys from teams pitched in, and believe it or not, once the plugs were removed and the engine turned over, the freshly cleaned and dried plugs went back in and the still waterlogged beast (inside), started up and chugged away as if nothing had happened. For how long, I never found out.

With ALL good jokes there needs to be some luck involved, just as there was in this case. Someone had some decent gear hiding in their van. Although it bore evidence of being involved in a different sport, it was to come in very, very handy.

Fortuitously and because he couldn't race due to a broken bone, joining the commentators for the television broadcast was one of our best known and now since departed road racers was in the commentary box that day.

When the bikes all lined up on the grid for their sighting lap, Lenny Willing, the guest commentator, made the comment that it looked like one of our best racers, one Malcolm "Wally" Campbell must have thought it was going to be a wet race, as on this sighting lap he was wearing temporary flippers on his boots, underwater goggles and a snorkel taped alongside his helmet.

Surprisingly, for once, the commentator who could talk underwater, Mr Will Hagon, was speechless...

As the commentary was live, those who were down the back where it all happened laughed their arses off. Those of us in the race finally caught it when the edited video went to air – complete with the close up on Wally's snorkelling gear as Lenny Willing asked him the question.

Moments like these don't come along every day, or even decade for that matter... But back in the 80's, they seemed to happen much more frequently. Especially if Mal Campbell, or Robbie Phillis were about.