AN ACT OF BASTARDRY

by Bikeboy

The first Saturday in October 2006 was heaven sent: the first cloud free day, still cool enough to keep the jacket zipped, the motor and tyres at the perfect temp and a day to blow the cobwebs out with the mates.

Early start, much fun on the favourite roads, Gorge Rd (two laps), Corkscrew Hill Rd (aptly named), and Marble hill Rd (lovely re-surface job), Greenhill Rd, Echunga to Meadows, Ashbourne Rd (three times), four different loops into Strathalbyn. Pub lunch, more riding and a late finish not wanting it to end.

You all know the feeling: your vision perfect, the road a long winding ribbon, Keith Code riding shotgun dispensing his unique brand of quiet counsel, smooth and FAST, the god of motorcycles is smiling as his disciples give thanks this day.

Home (finally) Coopers Pale Ale all round, the bench racing starts, amazing how much faster I am AND I get better and faster as the night goes on. How much fun is bench racing?

Monday

Revelations in the press the filth have caught 360 people speeding in the hills with ONE hidden camera. Funny, didn't notice anything or see anything, maybe our god saved me this time, hope so.

Tuesday

Receive email from a friend with pictures attached of said hidden speed camera. Bastards! The camera is disguised as a pallet of apples on the side of the road with the kind of rat cunning that only rats themselves, and members of the filth exhibit.

Pallets of any kind now committed to 'danger' bank along with wheelie bins and odd looking bushes. The bastards! Where's the sport in that you cnuts? Well, if you're allowed to hide 'em, we're allowed to burn 'em!

Wednesday

Public outcry over hidden cameras. How is 'hidden' about road safety, the opposition cry? They grill the government, to no avail. Press release from the filth stating they are allowed to do whatever the fcuk they want. Parliament has passed the bill giving the commissioner of police, 'at his discretion' the power to hide cameras and not display signs whenever he feels like it.

Bastards, the loonies truly are in charge of the asylum. What next? Unlawful detention of innocents with Middle Eastern backgrounds? Send quick email to mum & dad, thanking them for my white, middle class trash ancestry.

Thursday

Government sanctioned extortion shows up in the mail. Bastards, shitfuckhate, tourettes flares up, fuckshitcunt. Demerit points will be lost, however, as I only have three of the little guys left, I've grown very fond of them and my elected government won't take them without a fight! Albeit said fight will be nothing more than a rearguard action designed to delay the inevitable until they return the three points I misplaced a few years ago.

Later

I fill in the request for photographic evidence; I'm not going down if it wasn't me! I receive said photographic evidence; it's me and rather fetching picture of Blade a bee's dick on the correct side of the double white lines. Audible sigh. Let's face it, the filth will go you for whatever they can, although I'm pretty sure they can only prosecute one matter at a time.

I am informed that it is a three demerit point offence, 97 in an 80 zone, could be worse, much worse, however, it still means goodbye licence if I pay the fine and admit guilt prior to 15th February 2007.

Think man, think... Grab a cold Pale, play 'Killing in the Name Of' on continuous loop until I'm a six pack down, neighbours appear to ask politely if I can turn the music down. The boys from Rage Against the Machine answer for me, life's good...

Late night pissed research on the interweb is a marvel of this modern age, the value of which is not to be underestimated. Much information is gleaned, for example, Paris's tits are beautiful, Courtney Love really is a slut God bless her, Cameron Diaz needs to do a porn shoot and speed camera fines = 'you're nicked, son'.

Well I say 'you're nicked son'. If you have a shit load of money, can get hold of the right documents (operator's manual and SOP via FOI), afford an expensive lawyer then you're in with a chance. Having spent most of my money on an ex, motorbikes and Pale, this was not an option for me.

So I work at clogging the bureaucracy with serial letter writing and treat the truth contained in said letters very lightly indeed.

Here's my first effort. Of note is the cheekiness of proposing an extension to the due date because plastered all over my notice is the claim that the due date will not be extended under any circumstances. Either pay the fine or elect to be prosecuted in court.

They of all people should know there's always a third option. I call it 'The Pale Ale Principle".

Oh yes, the mighty FOI act that strikes fear into public servants everywhere, yeah right. With the letter sent on 23rd October I sat back awaiting a response with anticipation and I got nothing. With the due date fast approaching I sent another letter.

It may appear a little desperate, but hey I was in licence protection mode. As you can see I even rang Bastard HQ to see what was going on. I believe this no response is a deliberate tactic to weed out the fair weather protester.

Finally, on the 10-Nov-2006, a response!

Confirmation the loonies are well and truly in charge. They apparently audit themselves and guess what, everything is just fine. Be very afraid. On a positive note, I got an extension. Now to get an extension on this extension. Please note the inference that there is no way they can extend the due date further. Of course they have forgotten about 'The Pale Ale Principle'. Dumb fcuks!